Fear

35,000 ft in the air somewhere over an ocean-Fear is a powerful thing that comes in so many different forms. The last time I experienced body-changing, heart-pounding fear, was when I thought someone was breaking into my apartment in Brooklyn. That was 5 years ago, but it doesn't mean I haven't been afraid since then. Fear of the unknown is especially paralyzing. Will getting my hair cut short look good on me or will it look terrible? Will I find another job if I quit my current one? Sometimes you just have to jump; you have to get your haircut all off or quit your job. That is part of the adventure, and this trip to Africa was a big, big jump that involved quitting my job, moving out of my apartment, and leaving all stability behind for a few months.

But the fear is still there, even after you make the commitment to jump. It slowly creeps in, and in my case, it makes me cry. I get overwhelmed with emotion at the smallest things, but behind it is fear. It is not just my fear that overwhelms. Many times it comes from others who are worried about me. Back in 2005 I went to Pakistan to work with the Pakistani Women's National Swim Team and to visit Right To Play programs. While I was worried about going to Peshawar on the Afghan border, I didn't think I was afraid of Pakistan. That was until the words of everyone started to build up inside me on the flight to Karachi from Istanbul. I had whipped myself into such a state that when I walked out into the airport and no one tried to kidnap me at gunpoint I cried with relief.

Sometimes the fear comes from saying goodbye. I've had to do that a lot lately. Goodbye to friends, co-workers, family and even new friends made along the way. That can make you sad and afraid that you will never see them again, never be able to replicate the memories.

Nairobi-Even now, I wonder why am I here and what am I doing? I woke up this, my first morning in Nairobi, with a different kind of fear: worry. Would I find a place to live in Nairobi, what about when I get back to NYC? Will the job I want work out, here and in NYC? Will I make friends? Will I have enough money to fund all this? Will I have enough money to pay all my bills, that pile up in NYC even though I'm half a world away? When is the next time I will get to swim and wash away these worries?

My first view of Africa was out the plane window and all I could see was red soil to the horizon. The only dark spots on the landscape were shadows from the clouds. At one point, somewhere over Somalia, I saw this huge dry riverbed, then I saw the river running about 1/50th the width of the riverbed. Rainy season comes in October. I wonder if that will help.

I left Lee's apartment in Rushcutter's Bay at noon on September 1st. I arrived at Upperhill Campsite in Nairobi 38 hours later at 8PM September 2nd (which is 2AM September 3rd in Sydney) after 2, 9 hour flights and a night in Bangkok. By the time I arrived at my hotel it was dark, but Nairobi looks big and even at 7:30 at night there was bumper to bumper traffic.

It is now morning and I am afraid to leave my room because then I must face the reality of what I have done. I need to jump to get over this last hurdle. Hunger and a minor caffeine-withdrawal headache might help. I know these thoughts will seem crazy in a few weeks, but this is where I am right now: in Africa, alone in my room, and wondering what I'm doing here. I think writing this has helped me. Acknowledging these fears reminds me that no good adventure can happen without them, or without overcoming them.

PS-I came out of my room (had to post this!) and I already made new friends! One has brought me to the mall and the world wide web for which I am ever so grateful. No need to fear.